Murder at the Multiplex: April 2009

You Wanna Date A Skater? Really. Really?

By Cassiopia Coane
Published: Wednesday, 8 April 2009

When man got tired of walking and created the wheel, I don't think he was aware of what he was doing. Sure, motorcycles make you look cool, fixed gears give you street cred, and lazy fucks like me appreciate a car. But no one could have predicted the apocalypse that was created when some asshole put a piece of plywood on top of four of those Flinstonian contraptions. All of a sudden, every greasy-haired, pizza-faced outcast was getting attention from the hottest girl in school. With a skateboard in hand, you better believe you were gonna be in the closet for Seven Minutes of Heaven. Forty years later, or however long it's been (like I would fucking know) skaters are still dominating the dating world. I'm trying to figure out what it is that's making me and every girl I know swoon over the dirt bag who cant even hold your hand because its occupied by his precious board. Lets start with the facts:

1. If you bring a board to the bar, you know you're not going home alone. Girls, and I should know, I'm guilty too. I get weak in the knees for a bad boy. How skaters got this reputation? I can't be sure, but either way, they have it, and they are definitely getting blown because of it.

2. A boy with a board equals a boy with bros. Any skate rat comes in a pack. There's at least seven of them who skate together by day, and do car bombs together by night. This means either more for you, or some fun to share with your friends. And of course, they are all repping "no homo" as they only speak in indecipherable slang, so you just have to be convinced that their male bonding is nothing but the good kind.

3. They dress well, and no matter how much they pretend not to care, they know it too. This one is simple. Every girl gets butterflies when Cher shows Ty the skater crew in her introduction to Bronson Alcott high. Clueless changed our lives, made us want the boy in the baggy pants and the knee length t-shirt.

The only down side to this is the shoelace belt which is "so homo" no matter how practical it may be.

So those are the facts. Now that we have that out of the way, Id like to pose some questions.

1. Is every hot boy a skater, or, are boys hot because they skate? This question is worse than the chicken and the egg question. Everyone has a different response to it, but I fear it's the latter. I'm scared I'm taking home the ugliest guy in the bar just because he's got his board underneath him. I'm manning up, it's pathetic, but true. Guilty as charged.

2. How come every skater sucks in bed? Ask anyone, this theory has been tried and tested and unfortunately always proves true. Perhaps they’re too busy practicing their ollies or kickflips or whatever the fuck they’re called to spend time practicing other skills. Whatever it is, quite simply, whatever they're good at "on the streets" isn't helping them out in the bedroom.

3. This question is perhaps the most perplexing of them all: Why do we still let these over grown boys into our lives knowing everything we know about them? Honestly, why is it that every girl is reading Skateboarding for Dummies just so they can keep up a conversation because these boys don't have shit-else to talk about. This is perhaps the one crime I have yet to committ. Do I know what a “back-front-side-flip” or whatever the fuck it’s called is? Nope. Am I getting laid less because of it? Yep.

Don't get me wrong, I'm ok to go home alone because of my lack of this clearly important knowledge. I don't need to wait around in Max Fish in hopes that at last call some doofus will get away from their "bros" long enough to take me home. I don't need to have a Moz tattoo as a conversation starter (but my vast collection of vintage Smiths T's doesn't hurt). And mind you, I say all of this from no high horse. I've previously been lower than dirt in the skater-dater department. And when I can get some Supreme hat-wearing homeboy drunk enough to go home with me, you best believe I'm capitalizing on the opportunity. But this cultural phenomenon is taking over in ways I'm not prepared for.

Skaters are the new rock stars, the new celebrities. If I could name a pro skater I'd probably come up with some great analogy about how he's gonna get laid more than Brad Pitt. And trust me, whomever this skater is that I should know the name of has a bigger ego than him too. And good for him, keep at it boys. Take advantage that you've somehow played a horrible trick on society and now have more women (or in my case, pathetic girls) than you can handle. Beatlemania died when it got bigger than Jesus. James Dean burned up in a car, and Leonardo Dicaprio never looked as good again as he did in Titanic.

So keep it up boys, because fads don't last forever, especially when they're highly dependent on your ability to stay steady on a fast moving piece of wood.